by Hannah De Cleene | Oct 8, 2022 | Theology
Words escape you. The leaders you trusted let you down. The reasons vary, as do the weight of those scenarios. You, like many in Christian circles, have experienced church hurt. But the question is, “now what?” Do you ignore the hurt and pretend like everything is ok? Do you tell everyone you know, so they will understand how you’ve been wronged? While our gut reactions may initially lean in one of those ways, those emotional responses still leave us with unresolved aches and wounds that time does not heal. In fact, they can grow worse or infected. How do we walk through church hurt? How can God use that in our lives?
The Blind Side
However complex or hurtful the scenario, one commonality is this: we didn’t see it coming. The pastors and leaders we confided in, trusted, and admired, committed an act we never anticipated. But sometimes in that mountain of emotion, we experience a shame that’s hard to put into words, especially at the onset. Why didn’t we see this coming? How did we miss the signs? Am I too trusting of people, of church leaders? Did all of this really happen or are things being blown out of proportion? We have questions. We may even be in denial of what has happened, trying to lessen the reality/pain of the situation.
Admit what’s been hurtful.
When church leaders step down or are asked to step down, everyone has questions; everyone is taken aback by the unexpected turn of events. Some situations are public with clear reasons, and others are vague and confusing. Maybe a church leader acted in a hurtful way, said sincerely unkind words, or held people to too high of a standard. Perhaps, as one of the singles in the church, you’ve been overlooked time and time again by the leaders who, from the stage, confess that every person in every season of life has a valuable place in the church. Or further still, maybe they grievously sinned against you and others in a way that requires confession and restoration if the church has any hope of continuing.
In short, their words didn’t match their actions. The question is, have you expressed to the Lord why the situation holds such weight or anger for you? For many of us, someone we trusted and confided in, someone we looked up to as an example, failed. We feel the pangs of sincere disappointment.
But how we respond to the hurt makes all the difference.
Grieve with the Lord
The Lord is near to all who call upon Him in truth (Ps.145:18). However messy or cynical we may feel, we must acknowledge those feelings to the Lord. In situations like this, that’s easier said than done. But healing can’t come if we don’t expose the wound to our Physician. What we need most are not explanations or even apologies from those who have wronged us (although the Lord deeply values reconciliation). Our Heavenly Father is the only one that can provide lasting healing.
But we often push against this because it’s vulnerable. We often like to feel in control of our own emotions and thoughts, but the Psalms teach us to pray through our emotions. David said in Psalm 25, “My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! Feel my pain and see my trouble.” Later, in chapter 88, the psalmist ends by saying darkness is his closest friend. God wants the raw and the messy, for in so doing we are trusting the Lord with all our heart and not leaning on our own understanding.
Examine Our Own Hearts
Bitterness and resentment can often be hard to see in the middle of such a trial, but the temptation to pass the buck comes so naturally to our sinful hearts. Excuses begin. We no longer want to come to church, to open up in our small group, to serve. Maybe we just need a break from church.
Those are serious warning signs for us to examine, probing some further examination. Am I coming to church to follow men or to follow Jesus? Sin needs to be dealt with, and leaders need to be held accountable for their wrongs. God deeply cares about us having the right leaders – they should be trustworthy people (just look at the list of qualifications in 1 Tim. 3!). But is it possible my dependence on human leaders has exceeded my dependence on God and His Word?
As with any trial, we must ask ourselves if we trust God in His sovereignty. The reality is, however hurtful or complicated the situation, God allowed us to experience it. Does that reality bring comfort or anger? The answer reveals the current posture of our hearts. But oh what security comes from resting in God’s sovereignty.
The reality of God’s sovereignty is the fear-incinerating, boldness-making, perseverance-producing antidote to everything that would ever trouble us.
Adam Ramsey, Truth on Fire
The Bad Doesn’t Erase the Good
One complex element of church hurt people experience is the realization, in the aftermath, that some significant, life-changing events occurred during their time in that church: they came to Christ, their mentor baptized them there, they received Gospel-centered counseling that brought rich healing, they experienced the beauty of the godly community… those precious chapters in our lives don’t become any less valuable. Hurt can add complexity to certain memories, but that doesn’t erase the fruit God produced in us during that season.
by Hannah De Cleene | Oct 8, 2022 | Theology
Do you feel like we live in the shadow of grief? We are inundated with updates and videos of the latest heartbreak. We are exposed to tragedies and yet not directly involved in the situation. There’s this unexplainable cloud of doom that hangs over our heads. What do we do with that?
The last month has been filled with shooting accounts all over the country, but this week it hit close to home. When pastors you know and trust lead the grieving community through a prayer service, when friends and neighbors are the law enforcement officers called to the scene, when you’ve walked the church grounds and know the exact parking lot of the latest gun violence, the wind gets knocked out of you. This sobering reality is an unwelcomed combination of fear, grief, and shock all at once.
What is the world coming to? When will all this end? These questions permeate our daily conversations more and more. Whether it’s the horror stories of the war in Ukraine, the devastating shooting in Uvalde, or the heartbreak that happened in our own backyard this week, we aren’t reading chapters of tragic history- we are living in the pages of them.
As Christ-followers, how do we respond? What do we do?
There’s a temptation to run, run away from emotions we don’t want to face. Naturally, we need time to sit and be still – that’s part of the process. But if we aren’t careful, we can seek to numb or lessen the pain in unhealthy patterns.
In the last few days, I’ve moved a little slower. I haven’t had great prayer sessions with the Lord, haven’t uncovered silver linings to these headlines to assuage the questions inside my soul. I find myself sitting, zoning out at the wall in front of me, asking:
- I don’t know these victims personally, yet I am deeply sad – what does grief look like for the observer?
- How do we question what God allows and trust Him at the same time?
- What if I don’t even know what it means to grieve well?
- How do we honor those directly impacted and still go on with life? How do we know when it’s ok to laugh and smile again?
- What about the families of the shooters – how must they be feeling?
- Are we just to expect more and more stories like the ones unfolding around our country?
- How do we not forget sobering life lessons weeks and months from now?
Those are just a snapshot of what’s racing through my head. Yet we are not the first ones in history to ask these sorts of questions, nor the only ones fearful of an unknown future. In a time of peril, facing an overwhelming foe, King Jehoshaphat brought this honest plea before the Lord:
O our God, will you not execute judgment on them? For we are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You. 2 Chronicles 20:12
That’s what we do, we keep our eyes on our unshakeable God. Isaiah tells us Christ bears our griefs and carries our sorrows (Isa. 53). In our affliction, He is afflicted (Isa. 63:9). He is near to those who are crushed in spirit (Ps. 34:18). He weeps at death (John 11:33). He is ever-present in times of despair. And so we press into His character. He is not surprised. He never grows weary (Isa. 40:28).
And we must carry the depths of our sorrow to His throne. In his recent message on lament and hope, Matt Chandler brings up a well-known and treasured verse: “Casting all your care on Him, for He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7) Casting is an ongoing and continual action. We are called to come to Him often and leave nothing out.
But what happens if we stop bringing Him our cares? If we don’t express our anger at the injustice of innocent lives being lost, we will be consumed with hatred. If we don’t give Him our disappointment, we will turn into perpetual cynics. And if we don’t give Him our sadness, we will drown out joy and hope from our lives.
These are dismal and dark days, but God wants all of us, including our big emotions and sobering questions. Psalm 145:18 says “the Lord is near to all those who call upon Him in truth.” How can we know the nearness of God if we are not being honest about the struggles in our hearts?
As Mark Vance so beautifully stated at the prayer service for Eden Montang and Vivian Flores,
“We’re going to celebrate the resurrection with tears. We’re going to trust in the God who is bigger than our pain. We aren’t going to act like our pain isn’t real—it is. But we also aren’t going to act like God isn’t real—because He is.”
We grieve. We ask our questions. We love those around us through crying, through silence, in every layer of this emotional journey. God has called us to live in such a time as this, and yet our hope is not anchored in this life. We are anchored to the One who will finally bring us home one day.
I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
Revelation 21:4-5
by Hannah De Cleene | Oct 7, 2022 | Theology
You are more intimidating than you realize. As a single Christian female, I’ve heard this comment more than once. That statement most often comes from older, Christian brothers in my life; the words are said with the kindness of intentions. They are attempting to offer encouragement as I walk through singleness longer than anyone anticipated, myself included. But still, those words cast shadows of doubt and confusion. Why? Because of the unintended implications.
Unintended Implications
You are too much for a guy to handle—that’s the first fear that enters my mind after these conversations. It’s as if to say that, because I unashamedly (although not perfectly) pursue Christ, I somehow overwhelm Christian men because they couldn’t lead someone like me. But if men are impressed by anything, shouldn’t it be a women’s walk with Jesus and not just her beauty or fun personality? Maybe it’s a good thing for men to be somewhat intimidated by women’s pursuit of Christ? As a complementarian, I desire to follow the lead of a God-fearing man, but isn’t Christ-like leadership more about humility and serving than about being stronger? (Phil 2). In her article on daughters and dating, Jen Wilkin’s states,
“Leadership is not about the strong looking for weaker people to lead. It’s about the humble looking for those whose strengths offset their weaknesses and complement their strengths. Strong leaders surround themselves with strong people, not with weak ones.”
You can handle singleness better than most. After some years, certain friends started to assume I no longer struggled with singleness since my outward demeanor appeared confident and content (which apparently can come across as intimidating too). The truth is, I genuinely regard this season as a gift; my walk with the Lord is personal and dear because of my single years. But it’s still hard. A strong walk with Christ doesn’t mean singleness is without heartache. Sometimes people think women who cherish their relationship with the Lord aren’t bothered by these things.
Intentional Conversations
In the local church, I believe all of us (both single and married) can improve our communication as we do life together. Here are some conversations I believe would be more helpful.
Singleness is good and hard at the same time. Single women can be grateful and sorrowful, investing their time well while still asking the Lord for a gospel-centered relationship. Praying hopeful prayers for both singleness and marriage creates a better balance because we are both casting our cares on the Lord (1 Peter 5:7) and actively trusting God will make the path clear for our lives (Proverbs 3:5-8). Instead of only asking “So who are you dating? ask your single friends questions like: “How’s work going?” or “How are you doing?” That frees your friend to talk about what’s really on her heart.
Singleness isn’t solely dependent on our decisions. God is still sovereign, and single women can trust His timing. When the initial questions are “Have you tried this dating app?” or “Have you considered moving to a big city?” in essence, people are saying, “Have you tried hard enough?” Could God use a dating site or a big city? Absolutely. At the same time, He could bring the right person into someone’s life who lives in a country town and has never once created an online profile. The better question is, “Are we investing our God-given gifts?” Paul exhorts Timothy to fan into flame God’s gifts, without living in fear (2 Tim 1:6-7). Whatever it is— studying art therapy, earning a seminary degree, or starting a business—mature believers should be encouraging and admonishing women to follow God’s call on their lives. If God can shut the mouths of lions and feed the 5,000, He can certainly bring the right man and woman together when He deems best.
You don’t have to slow down for men to catch up. Once women start to get into their late 20s and 30s, they hear less of “Wait for God’s timing” and more of “Are you being too picky?” However, just because some women have to wait longer does not mean they are doing something wrong. Yet, that is exactly how it feels when bombarded with unhealthy questions. On occasion, when I sit down to talk with my mom after a particularly trying day, she often looks at me and says, “Honey, you know you aren’t doing anything wrong, don’t you?” My mother is not saying I am sinless, but she is reminding me that God’s good gifts are dependent on His character, not my performance (James 1:17). Walking boldly with Christ alone is far better than “settling.”
Single women can rest assured they are never “too much” for the Lord, nor are they ever forgotten. He is always at work in our lives (Phil. 1:6) and Paul again gives Timothy a beautiful challenge with this phrase: “But godliness with contentment is great gain…”(I Tim. 6:6 ). The more single women walk with Christ, the better leaders and servants they will be to those around them, whether that’s in the local church, in the business world, with the lost, or with a future husband. God has good works for His daughters to walk in (Eph. 2:10) and, through singleness or marriage, He will do far beyond what we can imagine (Eph. 3:20).
